Piece title: None, yet
Chapter title: Chapter 1: Moonlight Sonata
Rating: PG-13?
Warnings: Vampires. Please if you don't like vampires, find them cliche, or think you can guess my plot, please read elsewhere. I don't intend to waste your time. I just want to have fun, learn, and make friends. (^-^ ) Enjoy!
Chapter 1: Moonlight Sonata
“It is love, not reason, that is stronger than death.”
~Thomas Mann
The clop, clop, clop of horse hooves and the turning of carriage wheels echoed around him as he continued to his destination. Into a high, Gothic building, he walked. A young man with glowing golden eyes looked up from the podium where he stood.
“A table for two please; my friend will be joining me soon,” the older man said in a smooth tone.
“Right this way please, Sir,” the host replied as he lead him to a table after taking his coat.
He looked at all the candlelit tables around him. The old stained glass windows spilled their colors in various splotches around the room from the light of the gas lamps outside. Had it not been for the single candle on every table or the colored patches on the floor, the old church would have been completely pitch black. Still, it was much dimmer than what mortal eyes could bear. Yet, his night eyes could see the old murals of saints, angels, and demons that lined the walls as well as the great crucifix still standing at what would have been the old altar. A perfect spot for all of us vampires, he bemused. Humans will never know that those old wives-tales of crosses and hallowed grounds will never really be true. That only works on the young ones...
“Forgive me for making you wait, brother,” her cool voice said.
A woman who appeared to be a couple of years younger than he walked up to the table. The host stored her cloak away. Despite the cold, her ashen face, that was framed by side-swept bangs and curls, showed no signs of wear from the harsh winter weather. Her up-do looked slightly mussed from the wind.
“Pay it no mind, sister,” the man replied.
As all gentlemen do, he stood and pulled out her chair for her. Sitting, she adjusted the rich blue fabrics of her skirts and her position to accommodate the bustle underneath her clothing that puffed out behind her. Her brother sat across from her and signaled for something to be brought out to them. His normally dark eyes began to glow bright green as the smell of something enticing began wafting through the dining room.
“They must've found something good for tonight haven't they, Blair?” she smirked as her own brown eyes began to glow a bright blue.
As her lips continued to spread outward for a smile, long canine fangs began to glimmer in the candlelight. Though pale, in comparison to the others in the room, they were definitely not native to this western part of the world. Their eyes told stories of the Orient that only orientals would know and understand.
“It seems they have, my dear Lily,” he replied, his own fangs growing as he spoke.
As the smell continued to waft through the room, feline-like eyes began glowing around them. Holding two glasses, a waiter walked up to them with a decanter of a dark red liquid.
“Sorry for the wait. Please enjoy your meal,” he said rather polite, filling the two glasses before walking away.
They toasted and placed the glasses to their lips. As the warm blood seeped down into their throat, thoughts and memories of the young girl they were drinking filled their heads. A touching life, but not worth a second thought. Such a poor girl... but life is “survival of the fittest” as someone once said... Lily thought, wryly smiling, as she placed her empty glass on the table. As the prompt waiter refilled their glasses, she looked up into her brother's face. The coal black hair like her own fell gracefully around his neck and shoulders.
“What's troubling you?” she asked, bluntly and suddenly.
Blair watched the waiter top off his glass. As the blood of the girl flowed through his veins, color and warmth came back into his lackluster cheeks. Taking advantage of the pause, he looked at his sister, watching the warmth rising in her skin. Even in the dim candlelight of the dining room, he could see the light tan color flushing his own and his sister's skin.
“You always did know how to read me so well,” he began.
“You forget how many eras we have lived, brother,” she retorted.
... And how many eras we have been running...
He let out a long sigh.
“You also forget how peaceful it is here... I feel as though there is something missing, Lily.”
“Feeling lonely now that I am out of the family house?”
With a smirk on both their faces, he took his sister's hand and laid a kiss on it.
“As much as I worry about my younger sister out in the world on her own, I know how to get by in that department.”
“Then what is it?”
“I only wish I knew...”
Blair turned to his glass and looked at the last drops inside it. I only wish I knew. They continued drinking in silence.
As the waiter poured the last, warm drops in the decanter into their glasses, Lily looked up at her brother once more. Perhaps he should take on a lover, she thought. After all, as much as we have our art, our music, they only satisfy so much...
“Your thoughts do have a point, Lily,” he suddenly said. “But you know you can always just tell me how you feel. There's no need for only thoughts, my dear sister.”
“Forgive me, brother. I was just considering all the best options before I said something.”
“Speaking of lovers, what of that boy you've taken a liking to at the university? Aren't you ever going to introduce me to him?”
“You won't scare him away like you have all the other ones will you, brother?”
She chuckled as she took a sip.
“I only have your best interests at heart my dear sister.”
They shared a quiet laugh as they finished off the last drops of their meal.
As they stood to leave, Lily smoothed out the ruffles in her skirts while the host helped Blair into his coat. With her cloak wrapped around her shoulders and linking one arm through his, out they walked back into the night.
“Don't think of it too much, brother,” Lily began as they waited for her carriage to pull up. “You'll find something that will ease your loneliness soon.”
Blair nodded as the footman helped her into her carriage. A white gloved hand waved to him as she rode away.
Taking in the surroundings, her large almond shaped eyes looked out of the carriage windows. Occasionally, they glowed bright blue as she peered out into the crowds. She sensed one of her own and feared for something else that blended in with the humans around them. Have they really not found us here yet? Even though we look so different than these Westerners? She wondered. Her lightly colored arms would never be the same was when she was human. … Though, I suppose we do pass for Oriental half-breeds... Even if we aren't...
“To the university, Madame?” the carriage driver suddenly called out, seeing two roads in the distance.
“Yes. Please.”
The horse continued forward. White puffs of breath escaped its nose and mouth with every low grunt and neigh. As she could feel herself growing anxious, Lily took a rare moment to try and lose herself in the sounds around her. The gentle click, click, click of encouragement from the driver. The low “ha-ah” of young men blowing into their hands in the winter's night. The sound of women walking as fast as they could to warm destinations. The clop, clop, clop of horses. The rattling of carriage wheels. As hard as she tried to drown herself in her surroundings, the nagging fears and worries that nagged at what was left of her heart would not become quiet. Her hands dug into her seat. Her nails threatened to rip through her gloves and rip the carriage chairs to shreds.
Reaching the university, glowing eyes looked out into the darkened grounds, anxiously searching. A young boy soon walked out, pulling his coat around him to help with the cold. Glowing blue eyes changed back to their brown color just before the young boy spotted her. The cold wind blew the stray locks from ribbon-tied back hair, that tried to imitate the style of western men. Despite his western dress, Oriental eyes that matched her own looked up with a smile as he made his way to the carriage. He sat himself down on the seat across from her and let out a tired sigh. With another neigh from the horse, back to her chateau they went.
“Good work today, Satoru,” she greeted in an eastern language that they understood.
“Thank you, Lily” Satoru replied.
The handsome boy pushed back the bangs that framed his face, and Lily's eyes drank in what she saw. Such a handsome boy, she thought, idly. But human life is so fleeting.
“What are you thinking of my dear?” he questioned as he leaned toward her.
He noticed her frigid looking hands, took them in his, and began to blow his warm breath on them, unaware of how futile warming her hands would be. A small smile graced her lips as she felt her worries temporarily go away.
“Nothing,” she smiled, leaning forward and touching his forehead with her own. “Just admiring that's all.”
Sitting by the window in a private sitting room at his chateau, Blair continued to look out onto the night streets. He ignored the book in his lap. The wind howled and roared outside. A second roaring gust brought with it the first flakes of snow. A clock chimed. Once. Twice. Three times. And on. And on. At the twelfth chime, Blair stood and walked to a calendar. Already November 1868 is it? How the time flies... We've been hiding for this long? He thought. Monotonous and lonely as it may have been, he savored the peace that had come into his life and wished that the days would continue on. I suppose this is better than it was 1,000 years ago...
Blair leaned against the wall and looked around the room with his dark eyes. Bookshelves lined the walls all the way up to the high vaulted ceilings. Ornate chairs and loveseats surrounded a mahogany coffee table. His piano sat next to the roaring fire place, which provided the only light in the room. Outside of the grand, arched windows, the wind began to quiet, leaving the falling snowflakes to their midnight waltz to a winter sonata. Lily and I have worked so hard for this peace and tranquility. All that running... all that running.
He stepped out into the hall and began meandering through the chateau. Endless halls were lined with bedrooms, sitting rooms, libraries, music rooms, and drawing rooms, all decked in Victorian decadence. The clock began to chime again. Bong... Silence. In the darkness of the hallways, his mind began to wander back to a different time, to a different place, where halls were eerily alive with the other members of their coven. In his ears, he could hear all the voices of his family. Now... they're all gone. Spread out like petals in the midnight wind, he thought, trying to amuse himself with poetic thinking. A wry smile spread on his face. Though only wearing his ruffled shirt, his burgundy vest, and his trousers, he could not feel the chilled air in the chateau. The chateau was silent. Though, a few rats scuttled about in the kitchen.
Wandering into the ballroom, he leaned on the doorway and looked out into the wide, empty expanse of the oak floor and the high white walls, with his glowing eyes. He could almost hear the room's desperate lonely cry. Where are those lovely bygone days? The walls seemed to ask. The empty shell of his heart desperately cried out for the old comforts he sought but would never find. As much as you wish that things were as they used to be, such things will not happen now. It's far too different. It's far more complicated than what it once was.
Hours flew by as old memories of happier times danced in his head in time with waltzing snowflakes outside. For a vampire, maniacally hacking away at a person's limbs for the sake of nourishment with his family was comforting. Imagining their victim scream in agony almost made him hungry. It was a rare night to let the concealed emotions come flowing forth.
Bang! Bang! Bang! Suddenly, he snapped out of his reverie. He walked out into the main hall and peered at he door. Cold and groggy, a servant padded for the door before he could move.
“Don't worry about it, Master. I'll get it for you,” she said.
Open wide, she flung the door. Outside in the whirling snow, stood a hunched over old woman. She leaned heavily on a cane, and the worn Chinese robes flew about in the cold wind.
“I have a message for the master,” she rasped in Chinese.
“Pardon me?” the servant replied, clueless.
“Let her in,” Blair chimed, as frigid as the weather. “I'll show her to one of my sitting rooms. Go back to bed, Marie.”
Marie curtsied and padded back to her room. The old woman hobbled in and shut the door quietly behind her. Blair turned and lead her to one of the many sitting rooms in the chateau. Obediently, she sat down in a chair he offered.
“What news do you have for me?” he questioned, pointedly in Chinese.
“The silk is selling as well, My Lord. Though, it will never compare to the days of the Silk Road. Your sister's endeavors in Japan have been going well too. Along with the humans, the fox spirits out that way are a big fan of our designs and fabric, and the silk farming back home and abroad is as productive as always.”
“Have you heard from any of the coven?” he asked with a small trace of worry in his voice.
The old woman looked down at large feet. She shook her head. One of her gnarled hands pushed back a strand of peppered hair behind her ear.
“You know they've been scattered about with what happened all those years ago...” she rasped again. “They'll come back to you if you assert your right to power. The time is almost near, Master.”
Blair nodded slowly in agreement. One thought came to mind. I suppose we'll have to face our fears at some point...
Watching as he slept, she sat at the edge of her bed. Her undone and tousled hair hung in waves over one shoulder. Invisible hands helped to tighten her corset and helped her back into her bright blue gown. Feral blue eyes glimmered as she worked her telekinesis. On a night stand on his side of the bed, a single candle cast a soft glow on his bare back and neck. She could still smell small traces of blood seeping from the bright red scratches on his back. It was temptation. I wonder what would happen if he were to scream in pain rather than in passion... A morbid smile grew on her lips at this thought. No, not yet. She refastened her pearl choker back on her neck and slipped quietly out of the room.
Almost gliding across what would have been cold marble floors, Lily made her way to the kitchen. A pest cat hissed at her presence. Without hesitation, she snatched up the calico cat and pressed her fangs into its neck. It yowled annoyingly in her ears. In vain, its claws scratched at her skin. She could feel no pain. She could feel her cat scratches heal. Still and silent, the cat finally fell limp in her hand. Out the back door, she threw the remains into the snow and wiped the blood off her face. Rancid, but it will do for now, she thought. Blue eyes searched far through the darkness, still trying to find something she feared. A icy breeze lapped at her hair. Bare, unfeeling arms did not flinch at the cold. Her eyes found nothing. Relieved, she turned away and shut the door behind her.
As Blair and the old woman finished their talks, he walked to a bookshelf and pulled a small paper figure from a box adorning the shelf. He threw the paper doll into the fire. From the ashes arose a translucent young woman in Chinese servant robes.
“Zhi Ren, escort Gui Poh back home, and make sure you listen to all that she asks of you,” Blair commanded.
The young girl bowed low and floated over to the old woman's side. She placed one of her translucent hands on her hunch over shoulders.
“Shall we go home?” she asked the old woman politely.
With a nod from the old woman, a blast of cold air shot through the grand house, flying the doors and windows open with a loud ruckus. The fires in the chateau blew out. Only the blueish moonlight reflecting off the snow lit the rooms. Blair could hear the startled cries of his servants. They jumped from their beds and scrambled to shut all the doors and windows. Another clock chime. Once. Twice. Thrice. Four times. Calm, he made his way back to his room ignoring the hustle coming from the other rooms around the manor.
In another part of the city, where the ships docked, a young woman stepped of the gangplank. Well, I guess they're around here somewhere... though they won't last a minute as soon as they meet me...
According to Chinese ghost myths, one can burn a piece of paper in the shape of a person to make them servants of a dead. These dolls are called Zhi Ren. According to other ghost myths, the ghost of an old woman maybe the ghost of a former servant who's come back to continue helping the family. These ghosts are called Gui Poh.
creative
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August 29 2009, 10:41:58 UTC 2 years ago
Thanks. :D I was hoping that I improved on some points at least. Yea I know most vampire novels are set somewhere in the west, but I figured something a little different would be a nice change. Not to mention, I like looking up Asian ghost myths and such so reasearch for that was easy. XD
I hope other readers will take a look! You're the first and only review so far though. :D And I appreciatre and am thankful for all your input! I'll try to do better regarding the self edits too. (<< ;; ) XD;;
Hopefully, I'll get started on chapter 2 soon! Any piece title suggestions though? (. . ; ) Couldn't hurt to have one...
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August 29 2009, 15:17:03 UTC 2 years ago
Hmmm..... even if you couldn't think of a title those are good tips. :D I will definitely keep them in mind! And dear, you've always been helpful, and I appreciate it. :D
September 1 2009, 02:57:45 UTC 2 years ago
September 1 2009, 02:59:19 UTC 2 years ago
September 1 2009, 06:47:26 UTC 2 years ago
Editing - part one
Hello! I'll be one of yourFirst off, I like the way you've arranged the premise for this story in your opening chapter. You introduce a number of intriguing elements here: the charm of the vampires when they're dining together vs. their cruelty and violence towards humans (and that poor cat), the small alterations on the "standard" vampire myth, the details of the setting and of the vampires' homeland. I think you're on the way to a very solid beginning.
My edits generally fall along the lines of a) syntax corrections and stylistic suggestions and b) personal opinions and reactions to the piece. I try to include suggestions with criticism, and stress that the end result of the piece is entirely down to you- I only hope that some of my notes will be helpful to you. :)
The clop, clop, clop of horse hooves and the turning of carriage wheels echoed around him as he continued to his destination. Into a high, Gothic building, he walked. A young man with glowing golden eyes looked up from the podium where he stood.
I have a few notes here. First off, the use of 'continuing' is somewhat confusing to a reader who has just stepped into this piece. Where is he continuing from?
The first transition in this paragraph (from the carriage to the building) feels abrupt to me; he's in a carriage, and then suddenly he's walking into a building. I think you have a great opportunity here to describe the church and set a mood for the rest of the chapter.
Thirdly, in the final sentence, it's unclear who 'he' refers to.
“A table for two please; my friend will be joining me soon,” the older man said in a smooth tone.
There should be a comma between 'two' and 'please'. 'In a smooth tone' feels a bit unwieldy to me; consider shortening it to 'smoothly' or otherwise altering the description.
“Right this way please, Sir,” the host replied as he lead him to a table after taking his coat.
There should be a comma between 'way' and 'please'. Again, the transition here is very fast; I think this section could benefit if you lingered on it. Take some time to describe his coat, and perhaps the host himself, and describe each action in turn.
He looked at all the candlelit tables around him. The old stained glass windows spilled their colors in various splotches around the room from the light of the gas lamps outside.
I like this description- it paints me a very vivid picture of the room. My only notes are that, again, it's somewhat unclear who 'he' is, and that it's possibly unnecessary to say he's looking at all the tables unless he's scanning each and every table for something.
Yet, his night eyes could see the old murals of saints, angels, and demons that lined the walls as well as the great crucifix still standing at what would have been the old altar. Humans will never know that those old wives-tales of crosses and hallowed grounds will never really be true.</i>
I'm a little confused that you've chosen to use 'will never really be true' rather than 'have never been true' or 'were never true'. It implies that the vampiric condition might somehow change in the future.
“Forgive me for making you wait, brother,” her cool voice said.
At this point, we have no idea who 'her' is; however, I don't think you need to add the description of the woman after the dialogue. Consider, instead, removing the dialogue tag entirely. This maintains the blunt impact of a new speaker (which is good) without making the reader wonder if they're supposed to know who 'her' is.
Despite the cold, her ashen face, that was framed by side-swept bangs and curls, showed no signs of wear from the harsh winter weather. Her up-do looked slightly mussed from the wind.
The description here feels a bit clunky; consider moving the description of her hair to another section, just to make the flow a bit easier. Additionally, I'm bothered by the use of 'up-do'; it pushes me out of the feeling of the story somewhat, because the word is so often used in reference to teenage girls dressing up for prom. Is it possible you could use a different descriptive word instead?
September 1 2009, 06:49:15 UTC 2 years ago
Editing - part two
Sitting, she adjusted the rich blue fabrics of her skirts and her position to accommodate the bustle underneath her clothing that puffed out behind her.The ending of this sentence feels unnecessary to me- I think you could omit 'that puffed out behind her' and the sentence would stand just fine on its own.
“They must've found something good for tonight haven't they, Blair?” she smirked as her own brown eyes began to glow a bright blue.
This is down to how you want the characters to sound, but for the record, Lily's grammar in her dialogue is incorrect: it should be 'they must have found something good for tonight, mustn't they have' (a bit clunky itself) or 'they've found something good for tonight, haven't they'.
As her lips continued to spread outward for a smile, long canine fangs began to glimmer in the candlelight.
I really like this, particularly the first part and the detail that the fangs are canine. I think you could clarify the owner of the fangs by writing 'her long canine fangs...' but that's a stylistic thing.
Though pale, in comparison to the others in the room, they were definitely not native to this western part of the world. Their eyes told stories of the Orient that only orientals would know and understand.
I think you're missing an opportunity to describe their appearances here. Rather than telling the readers simply that the vampires are definitely 'oriental', consider describing their Asian features. Are they Chinese? Japanese? Vietnamese? Korean? We the readers might discover this later, but right now, we're left in a lurch wondering how these vampires are obviously Asian.
As the smell continued to waft through the room, feline-like eyes began glowing around them.
It's unclear... do the feline eyes belong to Lily and Blair, or to other vampires? Or to something else entirely?
“Sorry for the wait. Please enjoy your meal,” he said rather polite, filling the two glasses before walking away.
'Polite' should be 'politely', and you might consider putting a comma after 'please'. I love how classy and elegant this seems- it creates a strong, almost humorous contrast to the fact that they're drinking human blood.
thoughts and memories of the young girl they were drinking filled their heads
I love this: "the young girl they were drinking". It's a very startling, visceral descriptor and it's very effective.
Such a poor girl... but life is “survival of the fittest” as someone once said...
Three things! 1) Again, I like the contrast between how elegant the vampires sound and... well, what they're saying, 2) there should be a comma after "survival of the fittest", and 3) the way you're using it here, "poor" seems to imply that she is financially poor, rather than "oh, that poor unfortunate girl". Consider clarifying that.
The coal black hair like her own fell gracefully around his neck and shoulders.
This descriptor is a little confusing- I think it would be clearer if you rearranged it.
“What's troubling you?” she asked, bluntly and suddenly.
I feel that this would be just as effective with only 'bluntly' or 'suddenly'- you don't really need both.
... And how many eras we have been running...
Ooh, the plot thickens. Again, the way you've set these two up is quite intriguing.
A white gloved hand waved to him as she rode away.
It's not clear by this description that the gloved hand belongs to Lily.
Her lightly colored arms would never be the same was when she was human
I think you mean "would never be the same as they had been when she was human", or something to that effect. With that said, I'm not exactly clear as to what this sentence means. How are her arms different?
September 1 2009, 06:50:04 UTC 2 years ago
Editing - part three
Glowing blue eyes changed back to their brown color just before the young boy spotted her. The cold wind blew the stray locks from ribbon-tied back hair, that tried to imitate the style of western men.Once again, it's not clear by the descriptions who the objects in question here belong to. Whose glowing blue eyes? Whose ribbon-tied hair? (As another note, this description suggests that his 'back hair' is ribbon-tied, which I'm pretty sure you didn't intend. XD) And why is the hair trying to imitate western men?
Despite his western dress, Oriental eyes that matched her own looked up with a smile
This description suggests that his eyes looked up with a smile- if your intention is to imply that he's smiling with his eyes, I think that should be clarified.
“Thank you, Lily” Satoru replied.
Missing a comma after 'Lily'.
she greeted in an eastern language that they understood.
I'm going to return to my previous point here about the 'Orientalism' of these characters- unless you have a reason to conceal the exact heritage of Lily and Blair from the reader, I don't feel that it adds to the story.
I like Lily's thoughts on Satoru. Subtly creepy.
unaware of how futile warming her hands would be.
Excellent detail.
I suppose this is better than it was 1,000 years ago...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think it's correct to use 'a thousand' instead of '1,000' in this context.
The empty shell of his heart desperately cried out for the old comforts he sought but would never find.
I like the rest of the descriptions in this paragraph, but this one doesn't resonate with me, I think because it's less subtle than the others.
All right, there's one overarching thing that I'm confused about. Based on Lily's conversation with Satoru, I assumed that she and Blair were also Japanese, since they were speaking the same language (and since Satoru is a Japanese name, I assumed he was speaking Japanese, though I could be mistaken). However, based on Blair's conversation with the old woman, I assume that he and Lily are Chinese. I think the nationality of the two main characters is definitely something that could be clarified for the reader's sake.
September 1 2009, 06:50:32 UTC 2 years ago
Editing - part four
Along with the humans, the fox spirits out that way are a big fan of our designs and fabric, and the silk farming back home and abroad is as productive as always.I like this a lot, particularly the detail about the fox spirits. It adds another intriguing element to the story when the reader knows that there are other more-than-human forces out there, not just vampires.
Watching as he slept, she sat at the edge of her bed.
This isn't too abrupt as a scene change, but it's not clear who he and she are.
I really like those two paragraphs about Lily. Creeeeeepy, but in a good way.
Blair could hear the startled cries of his servants. They jumped from their beds and scrambled to shut all the doors and windows. Another clock chime. Once. Twice. Thrice. Four times. Calm, he made his way back to his room ignoring the hustle coming from the other rooms around the manor.
I like the mood this creates. Only one note: there's a comma missing between 'room' and 'ignoring'.
In another part of the city, where the ships docked, a young woman stepped of the gangplank. Well, I guess they're around here somewhere... though they won't last a minute as soon as they meet me...
I'm not sure how I feel about this part- the foreshadowing feels a little bit forced. Consider ending the chapter with the previous paragraph, which is nice and ominous on its own, and moving the ending paragraph elsewhere (though of course this is a very subjective issue, and if you like it as is, you should keep it.)
I wasn't familiar with the ghost myths you mention at the end, so I appreciate that you put those in- I feel like I learned something reading this. :) Though, on a purely non-writing-related level, you might consider somehow separating the notes on the myths from the rest of the text somehow- put them in smalltext or something. That way, it's clear that they're not a continuation of the story.
I hope my notes here aren't too long or too unwieldy, and that you find them useful. Best of luck with this piece!
September 2 2009, 14:24:34 UTC 2 years ago
I think you've got a really good editor working on this, so I just go straight to my impressions.
I think you set the aura of the piece very appropriately. The setting and the characters are very 'supernatural'. Glowing eyes, telekinesis, chateaus, etc. These details work well for this genre.
Having said that, I can't seem to really get into the characters, for some reasons. I guess maybe this will change the more I read about them, though.
Anyway, keep writing :)
September 2 2009, 20:36:20 UTC 2 years ago
September 3 2009, 03:16:39 UTC 2 years ago
September 5 2009, 01:46:14 UTC 2 years ago
from one of your editors
Hi,I'm one of your editors this week.
Ooh, I love the atmosphere in this piece. It feels dark, mysterious, and apealing all at once. and the chapter title is perfect. I wonder if you could title the other chapters after famous works of art or music.
Velcro Words (phrases that grabbed my attention):
The old stained glass windows spilled their colors in various splotches around the room from the light
of the gas lamps outside.
Still, it was much dimmer than what mortal eyes could bear.
His normally dark eyes began to glow bright green as the smell of something enticing began wafting through the dining room.
As the warm blood seeped down into their throat, thoughts and memories of the young girl they were drinking
filled their heads. (very chilling and wonderful. The word throat should be plural in this sentence since they're both drinking.)
“You always did know how to read me so well,” he began.
“You forget how many eras we have lived, brother,” she retorted. (ah, love this exchange. So formal and worldly.)
“Your thoughts do have a point, Lily,” he suddenly said. “But you know you can always just tell me how you feel. There's no need for only thoughts, my dear
sister.”
“Forgive me, brother. I was just considering all the best options before I said something.”
“Speaking of lovers, what of that boy you've taken a liking to at the university? Aren't you ever going to introduce me to him?” (and this exchange to. You have a wonderful ear for your characters' dialogue.)
The gentle click, click, click of encouragement from the driver. The low “ha-ah”
of young men blowing into their hands in the winter's night. The sound of women walking as fast as they could to warm destinations. The clop, clop, clop
of horses. The rattling of carriage wheels.
A second roaring gust brought with it the first flakes of snow.
Now... they're all gone. Spread out like petals in the midnight wind, he thought, trying to amuse himself with poetic thinking. A
Where are those lovely bygone days? The walls seemed to ask .
I have a few suggestions:
Had it not been for the single candle on every table or the colored patches on the floor, the old church would have been completely
pitch black.
I recently read a list of redundant words often used by writers, and "completely" was among them. Something is either pitch black or its not. The reader will get the sense of how close to black, without actually being black, the room is without the word completely.
“Forgive me for making you wait, brother,” her cool voice said.
This startled me, which is a good thing. Instead of saying that she said it, you could say " a cool, feminine voice interrupted his thoughts". I like the idea of describing the voice this way, asthe reader doesn't know ahead of time that he's expecting a woman.
I would also like to suggest that you vary your sentence structure a little. The repetition adds to the suspense of the piece in a lot of places, but at the reader, I'd feel more engaged if there was some movement and shape. You can get movement and shape by varying sentence structure and length.
To be continued...
September 5 2009, 01:51:30 UTC 2 years ago
Re: from one of your editors
Ah! :D I was wondering if you were gonna come around at some point. Haha. Thanks for taking the time with my piece!Yea... I figured the repetition and the varied sentence structures [or lack of] was gonna be a problem. That's always one of my problems along with the repetition. Thanks for picking it up! :D I'll keep that in mind! :D
September 5 2009, 02:00:49 UTC 2 years ago
Re: from one of your editors
*grin*And here I am. I'm just bgetting back into the swing of editing after a few weeks off. I'm sorry to have made you wait so long.
As to the repetition, don't worry too much about it. You'll keep practicing, and getting feedback from people, and before you know it things will change. Being a writer is all about growing. The fact that yu're aware of it is half the battle.
September 5 2009, 02:07:54 UTC 2 years ago
Re: from one of your editors
Lol ah I see. Were you starting school/going on one last summer vacation or just needed time away? :DAnd don't worry too much about the wait, it gave me time to see where I could go with chapter 2 and mentally envision it. [not that it's started yet. I just wanted the last critique before I got started XD]
Hahaha yea. I kinda figure that's what will happen too. Unfortunately, as much as this idea had been pulling at my creative nerves, turns out writing something original is a lot harder than I thought. (~~ ;; ) Not to mention, I can't even figure out a title for this piece yet. Personalities are kind of hard I'm kind of noticing as well.. :\
September 5 2009, 01:56:50 UTC 2 years ago
from one of your editors for this week, part two
A couple of examples of what I mean:As they stood to leave, Lily smoothed out the ruffles in her skirts while the host helped Blair into his coat.
You might change this to something like:
Rising from the table, Lily smoothed the ruffles in her skirt as the host rushed to help Blair on with his coat.
And conversely:
Reaching the university, glowing eyes looked out into the darkened grounds, anxiously searching.
You might reword this to:
When they reached the university, she stared out into the dark, glowing eyes anxiously searching the area.
And one more example:
As all gentlemen do, he stood and pulled out her chair for her.
You could change this to something like:
He rose, and with a gentlemanly bow, drew out her chair.
My thoughts are only meant to be suggestions. I hope you find them helpful.
Good work. I look forward to seeing where this novel will take us.
September 5 2009, 01:58:16 UTC 2 years ago
Re: from one of your editors for this week, part two
Thanks so much!! :D I'll keep all this in mind for when I start writing! :D